Surprise! I Wrote Something

When I first started this blog, I was pretty sure I was filled with all kinds of wisdom about how adoption should worked. I thought I would find all kinds of things to write about that would "change" things and make everything all better. I don't think I ever had that thought specifically, it was kind of just a general feeling about the whole thing. Now it's been, what, like two months since the last time I wrote? Longer since the last time I wrote anything I actually liked. I'm feeling rather uninspired about the whole thing, and anytime I think about it longer than a couple minutes I find something more...pleasant, I guess, to distract myself with. 

At the time, it was all very rewarding and exciting. I was doing something awesome for everyone involved. I didn't even have to be actively doing anything, being pregnant was enough. It wasn't necessarily  fun, but it was rewarding. 

And now I have this. I do nothing, I sit around and I wait. If it's been too long since I've heard from them, I send them a quick email to find out how they're doing and let them know I'm still interested. And then I wait some more. He's only 5 months old, so he isn't quite asking questions yet. Until then I guess there won't be much required of me. And maybe not even then, I don't know what things will be like by the time he does start asking. 

There are all kinds of things I could be doing, I guess. I could be working on the scrapbook I started when he was four days old. After a couple days I put it down and I haven't picked it up since. I could be writing letters to him in the back of my journal, but it's been a long time since I did that, too. It isn't that there isn't anything to say. I have plenty of things I could write, but I don't. 

It is entirely possible that most of this is stemming from the fact that I haven't done anything for him or his family for Christmas yet. I've been thinking about it constantly for two months and I haven't come up with anything. Maybe I'm just trying to come up with something that is both meaningful AND that he will really enjoy, either now or sometime in the near future. 

We'll see how things go, I guess. 

4 Months

I haven't written anything worth posting in a very long time, it seems like. It's been kind of a huge couple months, so I guess it's not entirely my fault. None of the hugeness is directly adoption related, so I don't want to write much about it here.

I think part of my problem is that I'm avoiding almost anything that hurts. There are several adoption-related blogs that I read, but lately I've found myself skimming them before I read them just to make sure there isn't anything in them that will hit home for me. If there isn't, I read it and move on. If there is, I skip it and forget about it completely. Saying I want nothing to do with anything adoption-related feels selfish and unfair of me, and I can't figure out why I feel that way. I don't let myself think about it long enough to learn anything about the way I'm feeling. I am not sure if that's me healing and being content, or if that's me shutting out the hard stuff and trying to forget.

Either way, I'm not sure I'm happy about it. I wish that there was one right answer for everyone, just so someone could tell me exactly what I am supposed to be feeling at this point.

There is a chance that the birthfather will get to meet the Frog next weekend. I am filled with nervousness and apprehension and hope. But not too much hope; I wasn't able to give the family much notice that he would be in town, and Thanksgiving weekend is kind of a busy one...I guess we'll see what happens.

100 Days

It's been 100 days since he was born. I remember very clearly  thinking last April that I would never be here, it was much too far away. The last month of my pregnancy went by way faster than I was expecting. The first week after he was born dragged on and on, I thought it would never be over. Time has flown since then. It's what I hoped would happen, but it's kind of sad. Things don't hurt like they used to. It seems like that should be a good thing, but instead it just feels like I'm forgetting. I'm not, because I never could. I don't cry like I used to, and I don't miss him like I used to. He's different from the way he was when I had him. He's older, and he doesn't know me now. He doesn't need me now. I still miss the way he was in the hospital, but I don't know him well enough to be able to really miss him like that now. 

The rest of it is just...different. I didn't know what to expect back then. I don't know what to expect 6 months or a year or two years down the road. I didn't know how I'd be doing with it 3 months after placement. It's nice to finally be here, but I can't help wonder what it's going to be like next. 

The Visit Went Well!

Not really sure what to say about it yet. There were tears, but I tried really hard! It was fun and comfortable and relaxed. He's so big now. And different. I don't know him anymore. 

I would be willing to do it again, I enjoyed it a lot. I panicked for nothing, but that is usually the case. 

Crying

I have recently realized that I do everything I can to avoid thinking about the first few days after placement. Anytime I start to remember I find something else and focus on it so intensely it's impossible to think of anything else. I find myself doing the same thing anytime I start to cry. I don't know if it's healthy or not, but I don't know how to fix it. I've tried just letting myself cry, but I can't.

I did cry last night as everyone was leaving. I felt a little awkward about it, but that was the first time in a while I actually couldn't stop it. It didn't last long, though.

The visit overall went really well, I think. Everyone seemed fairly comfortable. I haven't really talked about with them and I doubt I will, except just to let them know I enjoyed it and I liked seeing them and I would be willing to do it again, if they wanted to.

I Have A Visit!

I met with the adoptive parents last Friday to talk about maybe seeing their family. They are coming for dinner this Sunday evening.

I'm pretty sure I don't know how to explain how it's been to be simultaneously so terrified and so excited. I will consider and get back to you on that one. 

It's only WEDNESDAY. I'm torn between wanting this next week to be over and wanting it to last a very long time. I have no idea what next Monday is going to be like at all - all I really have to go on is what it felt like after placement, and I'm sure that won't be ENTIRELY accurate. Right?

I have told myself I have to see them only twice - once to see what it's like the first time and again to see if it's going to be that hard every time. (I'm expecting it to be pretty hard, in case you couldn't already tell. TERRIFIED.)

I will be spending the next four days expecting the Internet to prepare me adequately. I'm sure it will fail, but I can try, right?

Day to Day

I've been feeling kind of out of things lately. I'm not sure what the problem is, or if there even is a problem. I'm just feeling kind of...I'm not sure how to word it. It feels like I'm moving on with my life, but it feels too soon. I'm nervous that the longer I feel like this, the worse it's going to hit me when I realize it all over again. I have been avoiding anything that reminds me of the fact that I placed, which is stupid. It's not like it's going to go away. I'm not sure what my deal is. Just letting you know I have more things to say, I'm just having a really hard time doing it right now. 

An Introduction of Things

I am not really sure where to start with this whole thing, so maybe the word "introduction" is misleading. I will explain things a tiny bit, but after that I will just jump right in.

I'm 19 years old. I had a baby in July of 2008. Two days later, I placed my son with a loving adoptive family. It's an open adoption and I get letters and pictures from them about once a week. I met them once before we did the placement, back in May. I received a lot of letters from them even before he was born. It hurt sometimes to know that they were so excited, but I feel like they also understood better than most adoptive families that it was still going to be hard for me. They mentioned more than once how hard it was to know that the only way they would have children was at someone else's huge emotional expense. Knowing this didn't make my experience any easier, but it was somehow comforting (in a way) to know they were dealing with their own kind of grief.

The first two days after placement were probably the worst days of my life. I admit that I've had a pretty easy life - my parents have always met all my needs, our family lives very comfortably, I haven't wanted for much in my life. Nobody close to me has died unexpectedly. Maybe because of that, I have never felt such an intense need or want or sadness as I did those two days. I had spent the nine months before he was born doing everything I could to give him the best chance at life. I spent those nine months thinking only of him and what would be best for him. I knew how important my dad was in my life, and I knew that more than anything I wanted that for my little boy. After he was born and he was with his adoptive family, I felt like I could finally look at myself and realize what I had lost. I knew he was healthy and happy and being taken care of, and I could let myself be selfish for a little while. Those two days I only thought about him and how amazing he was and how sad I was that I couldn't be the one enjoying it. I still let myself think like that on occasion, but I also let myself feel good about the decision I made. I honestly don't believe I could have chosen a better family for my baby. Obviously, it's only been a month, so we will have to see if I still feel that way as he gets older.

I have read stories from other women who have placed their babies and felt like they were forced to do so. I admit that there was a lot of pressure to place. Not necessarily from the agency or my parents, but from statistics on single mothers that I found on my own and that kind of thing. However, I never once felt like my support people would have looked down on me had I decided to keep my baby. Least of all my parents. I kept him in the room with me the two days I was in the hospital, and my mom stayed with me the whole time. I know she loved him almost as much as I did. In a lot of conversations we've had since, I've found that we have the same feelings about how things turned out. If only this situation had been different, then we could have kept him. I thought I would be the only one having those kinds of thoughts, but I know I'm not. I do realize that this grief I have is mine and mine alone, but I know that my mom feels some of it too. That helps me a lot. It's comforting to know I'm not completely alone in this, and that my pain is not unfounded.

The last thing I want to address is the fact that I am a mother. Just because I'm not the one raising my baby doesn't mean I don't understand what it is to be a mother. Motherhood is (at least a tiny bit) about giving everything you have to give your children, and I did that. My decision to place him was not an easy one by any stretch of the imagination. The pain comes and goes in varying intensities now, and I don't think it will ever be gone completely. However, I am still able to feel good about my decision. Not "good" as in I feel like a hero, like I gave some kind of amazing gift and that makes me an awesome person. I feel comfortable with my experience and situation. I feel a very deep level of peace with my decision. My decision was right for me, and I don't expect to be able to convey my feelings to someone else. I am still doing everything I can to make sure my baby doesn't ever feel like I didn't want him, or I didn't love him, or anything negative from me.

Just because I chose to put myself through this pain doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. I didn't do it for the recognition, I think we all know there is too little of that to go around. The family I chose loves me and loves my baby. I couldn't possibly ask for more from them.