At the time, it was all very rewarding and exciting. I was doing something awesome for everyone involved. I didn't even have to be actively doing anything, being pregnant was enough. It wasn't necessarily fun, but it was rewarding.
And now I have this. I do nothing, I sit around and I wait. If it's been too long since I've heard from them, I send them a quick email to find out how they're doing and let them know I'm still interested. And then I wait some more. He's only 5 months old, so he isn't quite asking questions yet. Until then I guess there won't be much required of me. And maybe not even then, I don't know what things will be like by the time he does start asking.
There are all kinds of things I could be doing, I guess. I could be working on the scrapbook I started when he was four days old. After a couple days I put it down and I haven't picked it up since. I could be writing letters to him in the back of my journal, but it's been a long time since I did that, too. It isn't that there isn't anything to say. I have plenty of things I could write, but I don't.
It is entirely possible that most of this is stemming from the fact that I haven't done anything for him or his family for Christmas yet. I've been thinking about it constantly for two months and I haven't come up with anything. Maybe I'm just trying to come up with something that is both meaningful AND that he will really enjoy, either now or sometime in the near future.
We'll see how things go, I guess.
3 comments:
I placed my Birth Daughter for adoption in June of 2007.... It's a different experience for everyone, that's for sure.
I know what you mean about wanting to give gifts that are meaningful. I wanted to make her something that she would treasure forever, and think "My birth mom sure is a wonderful person, she's so amazing, etc etc etc", but then I came to realize that she's only 6 months, or 1 year, or 18 months. She doesn't know the difference. So this year I got her puzzles and books because she loves those things and I'm hoping she'll get some use of them.
I also have projects that I've started and left uncompleted. Some of it, I think, is due to the healing process. I think about her every day, but the ache does lessen over time. I think, that also, some things are left undone, because I've realized that there are some things she just won't comprehend right now, so she doesn't need it. For example, I have a letter I wrote her explaining how she came to be placed with her family. I printed it out on some special paper and was going to put some embellishments on it, but have I? No. She'll have more of a use for it perhaps in 5 - 10 years, not as a baby when it could get lost.
Sometimes I think my desire to do these things is fueled by a inner insecurity that I don't want to be forgotten, and I don't want to possibly be rejected by her someday. You know what I mean? I know that she was mean to be with her family, but what if she doesn't want to meet me or know me as she grows up?
Everyone heals differently. I've found strength by NOT waiting, by instead moving forward with my life and setting goals of things I've wanted to accomplish for a long time, and then figure out how I can start accomplishing them. Being a Birth Mother has actually been a new beginning for me. Out with the old and in with the new.
I wish you the best....I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, and that life takes you places you had only dreamed of before. I strongly believe that Heavenly Father has many blessings in store for you, and he will bless your life greatly for your selfless sacrifice.
Sincerely,
Kimberly
Hi, I just found your blog through your comment on paragraphien's...I didn't start my blog until my daughter was almost a year old...until then, I had stuff to say, but no idea how to say it. Sometimes being thrown into this "new role" can throw you for quite a loop.
And yes, you go from being a hot commodity, that does so much good just by "being." And then just "being" is sitting on the couch thinking about how you're not with your kid anymore. (Or at least, that's how it was for me for about the first five months).
One thing I've learned, is that any gift for your child is special, because it's from you. It took me 18 months to give my daughter anything....the first thing I gave her was a Cross-stitch of her first initial. Since then it's been cards. Just being a constant presence and recognizing her on important days (or RANDOM days) will hopefully one day mean something to her.
If you ever need to chat, feel free to email me @ thanksgivingmom@hotmail.com
(((((Hugs)))))
We have kept the gifts our birth mother gave our son for every special day. He's 3 yrs old and we still have his chewy-teething thing for him. The gifts you give are just as special to you as they are for the adoptive family. We have kept every letter, picture..everything for him to have of the way she felt about him. We do have an open relationship with her and go to eat about once a month. He calls her "Auntie", but knows she is the person that made our family. We look forward to the emails and everything too.
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