Can we please call it something else??

I'm probably the person who reacts like this, but the word "placement" totally throws me for a loop. I get chills, I get goosebumps, my skin crawls every time I hear the word "placement" in any context. Especially, of course, when it relates to adoption, but I get it to some degree every single time. I can't stand it. Not because of any subtle connotations or anything, like various other adoption phrasings (most don't bother me at all, I'm not picky re: birthmom vs. first mom, etc.) but probably just because the single most horrible day of my life was "placement day."

Even worse is when I hear about a placement that is happening soon - I can't stop thinking about it until I hear how it went. I torture myself. I usually don't know the people involved, so it's not like I have a vested interest, I just replay my own experience in my mind over and over and shudder whenever the word "place" crosses my mind.

Of course, calling it anything else would do no good, it would just ruin another word for me.

Blurgh, I'm so tired of horrible demon memories. It seems like the only memories I have are bad ones. Stupid mostly-closed adoption! This was not my choice!

A year!

It's been exactly a year! Well, a year and a day. Exactly a year ago, he was with me, though. Which is kind of weird for me to think about. Exactly a year ago tomorrow is the last day I had him. I'm not looking forward to it so much...I took his birthday and placement day off. Yesterday wasn't quite as tough as I was thinking it would be, but I was glad I took it off anyway. I wouldn't want to have gotten there and been a mess the whole time.

I guess I haven't written anything here in a really long time. I got married! To the birthfather, interestingy enough.

I always told myself when I was pregnant that if I thought there was anyway he and I could work things out and be together, I wouldn't have to place. I did, and we worked things out anyway. At first that was really tough, because I started doubting everything I had done, but I came to terms with it eventually. I don't regret anything anymore, but I do wish circumstances had been different.

Anyway, I'm going to try and write more. The initial shock has worn off somewhat, so I'm feeling less wordy and connected than I was when I used to write, but I do want to try.