I am not really sure where to start with this whole thing, so maybe the word "introduction" is misleading. I will explain things a tiny bit, but after that I will just jump right in.
I'm 19 years old. I had a baby in July of 2008. Two days later, I placed my son with a loving adoptive family. It's an open adoption and I get letters and pictures from them about once a week. I met them once before we did the placement, back in May. I received a lot of letters from them even before he was born. It hurt sometimes to know that they were so excited, but I feel like they also understood better than most adoptive families that it was still going to be hard for me. They mentioned more than once how hard it was to know that the only way they would have children was at someone else's huge emotional expense. Knowing this didn't make my experience any easier, but it was somehow comforting (in a way) to know they were dealing with their own kind of grief.
The first two days after placement were probably the worst days of my life. I admit that I've had a pretty easy life - my parents have always met all my needs, our family lives very comfortably, I haven't wanted for much in my life. Nobody close to me has died unexpectedly. Maybe because of that, I have never felt such an intense need or want or sadness as I did those two days. I had spent the nine months before he was born doing everything I could to give him the best chance at life. I spent those nine months thinking only of him and what would be best for him. I knew how important my dad was in my life, and I knew that more than anything I wanted that for my little boy. After he was born and he was with his adoptive family, I felt like I could finally look at myself and realize what I had lost. I knew he was healthy and happy and being taken care of, and I could let myself be selfish for a little while. Those two days I only thought about him and how amazing he was and how sad I was that I couldn't be the one enjoying it. I still let myself think like that on occasion, but I also let myself feel good about the decision I made. I honestly don't believe I could have chosen a better family for my baby. Obviously, it's only been a month, so we will have to see if I still feel that way as he gets older.
I have read stories from other women who have placed their babies and felt like they were forced to do so. I admit that there was a lot of pressure to place. Not necessarily from the agency or my parents, but from statistics on single mothers that I found on my own and that kind of thing. However, I never once felt like my support people would have looked down on me had I decided to keep my baby. Least of all my parents. I kept him in the room with me the two days I was in the hospital, and my mom stayed with me the whole time. I know she loved him almost as much as I did. In a lot of conversations we've had since, I've found that we have the same feelings about how things turned out. If only this situation had been different, then we could have kept him. I thought I would be the only one having those kinds of thoughts, but I know I'm not. I do realize that this grief I have is mine and mine alone, but I know that my mom feels some of it too. That helps me a lot. It's comforting to know I'm not completely alone in this, and that my pain is not unfounded.
The last thing I want to address is the fact that I am a mother. Just because I'm not the one raising my baby doesn't mean I don't understand what it is to be a mother. Motherhood is (at least a tiny bit) about giving everything you have to give your children, and I did that. My decision to place him was not an easy one by any stretch of the imagination. The pain comes and goes in varying intensities now, and I don't think it will ever be gone completely. However, I am still able to feel good about my decision. Not "good" as in I feel like a hero, like I gave some kind of amazing gift and that makes me an awesome person. I feel comfortable with my experience and situation. I feel a very deep level of peace with my decision. My decision was right for me, and I don't expect to be able to convey my feelings to someone else. I am still doing everything I can to make sure my baby doesn't ever feel like I didn't want him, or I didn't love him, or anything negative from me.
Just because I chose to put myself through this pain doesn't mean it was the wrong decision. I didn't do it for the recognition, I think we all know there is too little of that to go around. The family I chose loves me and loves my baby. I couldn't possibly ask for more from them.
