I am not sure HOW to feel.

ACouple have never once asked for a visit. They seem somewhat excited after I ask and we are planning the visit, they are comfortable, pleasant, and linger when the visit actually takes place, and they always mention how nice it was afterwards.

But they've never made the first move here. I spoke on a panel and briefly mentioned this once, and a PAP came up to me afterwards and said maybe they are just trying to be considerate of my feelings, and don't want to make me feel obligated to do something that is too painful for me at that particular point. Which, okay. I can understand that.

However, when I first wanted to ask for visits, I actually dragged them back into the agency (no short drive for either of us) to sit them down and impress upon them how important this is for Frog, and how it is about him, and not me, and they should not be afraid to ask for visits.

Really, what it comes down to in my mind is that they just don't value the open adoption relationship and what it means to Frog. Of course, their reasoning for this could be that he is only 2 and is not asking questions yet, and things could improve. We still email much more than they were emailing their other birthmom at this point, so maybe it is just a matter of age. They are maintaining the current relationship and waiting to ask for more until it will be most helpful to him? I don't know.

Which, it feels like I've mentioned all of this before, but I wanted to mention it again. Because that is what has been on my mind lately.

Buses

Frog likes buses. Like, LOVES. BUSES. We went to our local Children's Museum with them in March (did I mention that? the visit didn't fall through after all, and went quite well), and in the museum the have the front part of an actual city bus for the kids to play in. Frog wouldn't come out for anything. He just sat there with the biggest grin on his face, shrieking "BUS!" over and over. I kind of enjoyed that. One of my first words was bus, actually.

So, he likes buses. His mom emailed me yesterday to give me an update, and his love of buses featured heavily. Since his birthday is coming up in a few weeks, I am looking at all things bus. Or train. She said trains were big too.

Anyway, I can't decide how to do the whole birthday thing. I basically just let it go by the first year, I didn't get him anything, sent them a Happy Birthday email, and left it at that. This year, I'm having some trouble. I want to see him this time around, not on his birthday, but near. I want to get something that I can play with him with, since I had some trouble interacting with him at the last visit. I spent more time with his 7 year old brother, which felt strange afterwards. I am wanting to work on that.

Which, actually, all of this requires setting up another visit, so...

Ugh. This never really ends, does it.

Firsts

For the first six months of Frog's life, I went to the bookstore every month to read the applicable chapter of What to Expect the First Year to get an idea of what he was doing that month. I saw pictures and things from his parents, but i never really felt like I knew what was going on with him that month. My vision of his life was fragmented and abstract, like I was getting pictures from different babies of varying ages who didn't really link together very well. I still feel that way about it.

Anyway, I have no idea what is age appropriate, and what milestones he should be reaching when. I quit checking up at the bookstore.

Apparently he said his first full sentence a couple weeks ago (maybe a week ago, they have never given dates of milestones, which I find irritating - what if I was keeping a baby book of those kinds of things? I should just ask). "I want yummies," apparently, which I find find hilarious. There wasn't enough food in the world to keep me full when I was pregnant. I never had any cravings or anything, but I would eat almost anything (as long as it didn't have refried beans or guacamole in it). They also mentioned that one of his first words was yummies.

My grandparents were going on a cruise while I was pregnant, and I remember being so jealous because, ALL THAT FOOD. They could eat whenever they wanted, without having to pay for it every single time!

Anyway, I guess all of this is to say that I'm glad I can pretend that all that hunger (I was perfectly well fed, so that wasn't a thing) while I was pregnant had some bearing on his current life. I don't really think he looks like me or Ham, so I tend to cling to anything that seems to link us even remotely.