100 Days

It's been 100 days since he was born. I remember very clearly  thinking last April that I would never be here, it was much too far away. The last month of my pregnancy went by way faster than I was expecting. The first week after he was born dragged on and on, I thought it would never be over. Time has flown since then. It's what I hoped would happen, but it's kind of sad. Things don't hurt like they used to. It seems like that should be a good thing, but instead it just feels like I'm forgetting. I'm not, because I never could. I don't cry like I used to, and I don't miss him like I used to. He's different from the way he was when I had him. He's older, and he doesn't know me now. He doesn't need me now. I still miss the way he was in the hospital, but I don't know him well enough to be able to really miss him like that now. 

The rest of it is just...different. I didn't know what to expect back then. I don't know what to expect 6 months or a year or two years down the road. I didn't know how I'd be doing with it 3 months after placement. It's nice to finally be here, but I can't help wonder what it's going to be like next. 

The Visit Went Well!

Not really sure what to say about it yet. There were tears, but I tried really hard! It was fun and comfortable and relaxed. He's so big now. And different. I don't know him anymore. 

I would be willing to do it again, I enjoyed it a lot. I panicked for nothing, but that is usually the case. 

Crying

I have recently realized that I do everything I can to avoid thinking about the first few days after placement. Anytime I start to remember I find something else and focus on it so intensely it's impossible to think of anything else. I find myself doing the same thing anytime I start to cry. I don't know if it's healthy or not, but I don't know how to fix it. I've tried just letting myself cry, but I can't.

I did cry last night as everyone was leaving. I felt a little awkward about it, but that was the first time in a while I actually couldn't stop it. It didn't last long, though.

The visit overall went really well, I think. Everyone seemed fairly comfortable. I haven't really talked about with them and I doubt I will, except just to let them know I enjoyed it and I liked seeing them and I would be willing to do it again, if they wanted to.

I Have A Visit!

I met with the adoptive parents last Friday to talk about maybe seeing their family. They are coming for dinner this Sunday evening.

I'm pretty sure I don't know how to explain how it's been to be simultaneously so terrified and so excited. I will consider and get back to you on that one. 

It's only WEDNESDAY. I'm torn between wanting this next week to be over and wanting it to last a very long time. I have no idea what next Monday is going to be like at all - all I really have to go on is what it felt like after placement, and I'm sure that won't be ENTIRELY accurate. Right?

I have told myself I have to see them only twice - once to see what it's like the first time and again to see if it's going to be that hard every time. (I'm expecting it to be pretty hard, in case you couldn't already tell. TERRIFIED.)

I will be spending the next four days expecting the Internet to prepare me adequately. I'm sure it will fail, but I can try, right?