The rest of it is just...different. I didn't know what to expect back then. I don't know what to expect 6 months or a year or two years down the road. I didn't know how I'd be doing with it 3 months after placement. It's nice to finally be here, but I can't help wonder what it's going to be like next.
10.16.2008
100 Days
It's been 100 days since he was born. I remember very clearly thinking last April that I would never be here, it was much too far away. The last month of my pregnancy went by way faster than I was expecting. The first week after he was born dragged on and on, I thought it would never be over. Time has flown since then. It's what I hoped would happen, but it's kind of sad. Things don't hurt like they used to. It seems like that should be a good thing, but instead it just feels like I'm forgetting. I'm not, because I never could. I don't cry like I used to, and I don't miss him like I used to. He's different from the way he was when I had him. He's older, and he doesn't know me now. He doesn't need me now. I still miss the way he was in the hospital, but I don't know him well enough to be able to really miss him like that now.
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3 comments:
I can understand where you are coming from. How do you miss the child when you aren't around to know what your missing? I personally can't tell you what I miss about my daughter I placed. She may have a bad sense of humor like me, or a real serious person. I just don't know much about her. And that is what you will miss. You will miss the chance at being his Mom. Every year passed is a year lost. It's lost memories you wasn't able to create. Sometimes my head used to be stuck in a fog, and I couldn't think of her as anything but a baby. But sometimes when I see a child my daughters age it hurts, because of what I am missing. Sometimes I smile, because I was able to see a small portion of how teenage girls act.
Hang in there.
Hi M. I found your blog a few months ago and have been checking back every now and again. I hope you don't mind me reading, but I am a future adoptive mom and I have already learned so much from you and your experiences. I greatly admire your strength and level-headedness.
hey girl. I totally remember being at your exact place. you wished for this time when you were going to finally be ok & back to 'normal' life...but now that its here you don't know what to think. I still say all the time that I wish I was still pregnant, but I know that just because it was the time I still had her & she was mine. it was the way it was supposed to be. it hurts to see your baby & not know them. the first time I say my baby she was about 4 months old & I felt like I hardly recognized her, its the strangest feeling. the thoughts that you should be together are the hardest...that you should be her mommy & know her as well as you did when she was inside you. I don't think that will ever go away
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