I think part of my problem is that I'm avoiding almost anything that hurts. There are several adoption-related blogs that I read, but lately I've found myself skimming them before I read them just to make sure there isn't anything in them that will hit home for me. If there isn't, I read it and move on. If there is, I skip it and forget about it completely. Saying I want nothing to do with anything adoption-related feels selfish and unfair of me, and I can't figure out why I feel that way. I don't let myself think about it long enough to learn anything about the way I'm feeling. I am not sure if that's me healing and being content, or if that's me shutting out the hard stuff and trying to forget.
Either way, I'm not sure I'm happy about it. I wish that there was one right answer for everyone, just so someone could tell me exactly what I am supposed to be feeling at this point.
There is a chance that the birthfather will get to meet the Frog next weekend. I am filled with nervousness and apprehension and hope. But not too much hope; I wasn't able to give the family much notice that he would be in town, and Thanksgiving weekend is kind of a busy one...I guess we'll see what happens.
1 comment:
I don't think anyone can tell you what you should feeling. That's for you to just feel it. One day you might be really down, and the next day.. you might be okay. Don't feel bad if your not ready to be reading blogs. I don't think I would have been able to do it so soon after the birth of my daughter.
In my early days, I could never stand to hear or talk about open adoption. It was just too much to deal with. Now I love to hear about them. I don't think I am healed, but I am in a much better place than I was 17 years ago.
Hang in there.
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