11.07.2010

One Thing

I am only really, one hundred percent positive of one thing, two years into this:

I am really, really angry, and I really don't like being told that I shouldn't be angry.

Anything that I want to feel or that I feel like I should feel is almost completely clouded and blotted out by my anger.

For example, I am not excited by the chances and opportunities J will have in his life because I chose what I did. I'm not thrilled that he has an older brother who loves him more than anything ever, or parents who can provide for him far better than I ever could have, or a mom who can stay home with him all day.

I am just mad. If I had to take a stab at why, it would probably be because I was subconsciously taught/coerced/primed to make the decision I did for the first 19 years of my life without having a clue. I don't blame anyone for that, I still dearly love my church and my family. I am not angry with them (although I'm sure plenty of people would point to that as the natural target, but for me, it's not).

The fact that I don't feel love for my son because I am just too angry to feel it makes me even madder. I go through the motions, sending emails and gifts and whatever, and since they seem to have no interest in seeing me or getting to know me at all that suffices. Thinking about the future worries me - I don't want to be the heartless, unloving birthmother. I do love him, but I'm just so angry.

I am angry because no one ever told me that I didn't have to place J. Parenting was never presented to me as a viable, acceptable choice. Everyone around me was obsessed by what family I would choose. Which two people would be his new parents? Which lucky kid would have a new baby brother?

What about me? Why couldn't I be his new parent?