I am really, really angry, and I really don't like being told that I shouldn't be angry.
Anything that I want to feel or that I feel like I should feel is almost completely clouded and blotted out by my anger.
For example, I am not excited by the chances and opportunities J will have in his life because I chose what I did. I'm not thrilled that he has an older brother who loves him more than anything ever, or parents who can provide for him far better than I ever could have, or a mom who can stay home with him all day.
I am just mad. If I had to take a stab at why, it would probably be because I was subconsciously taught/coerced/primed to make the decision I did for the first 19 years of my life without having a clue. I don't blame anyone for that, I still dearly love my church and my family. I am not angry with them (although I'm sure plenty of people would point to that as the natural target, but for me, it's not).
The fact that I don't feel love for my son because I am just too angry to feel it makes me even madder. I go through the motions, sending emails and gifts and whatever, and since they seem to have no interest in seeing me or getting to know me at all that suffices. Thinking about the future worries me - I don't want to be the heartless, unloving birthmother. I do love him, but I'm just so angry.
I am angry because no one ever told me that I didn't have to place J. Parenting was never presented to me as a viable, acceptable choice. Everyone around me was obsessed by what family I would choose. Which two people would be his new parents? Which lucky kid would have a new baby brother?
What about me? Why couldn't I be his new parent?
1 comment:
Being a birth mother is hard. But when you feel like it was your only option it was even harded. I felt like those around me, specifically my Mother, never let me even explore the option of parenting. I probably would have still chose adoption for my daugther, because I was 17 and wasn't able to be na good enough parent, but the fact that I never got to explore that option killed me, still does sometimes. My daughter is 7 1/2 now, and I now have an 18 month old son. My son is such a blessing, his presence in this world has healed my heart in many ways. I'm 25 years old, and it's hard being a parent, he has shown me that I made the right choice, and I couldn't have done it as well as I would have wanted to at 17. But it took me 7 years to get to that point. My Mother is my best friend, but the adoption has caused issues for us. We don't speak about the adoption or about my daughter. If she even speaks my daughters name my blood boils, I get so so angry. I didn't even know I was capable of being that angry. So I don't blame you for how you feel, and I think its normal. Hugs to you.
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