I Forget

Every so often I'll think of something I would like to write out (for myself), and then I plan my words in my head, and then I fall asleep, or something, and when I wake up, I've forgotten it. Ergo, not a whole lot of healing going on around here. (What? Healing? I'm a year and a half out! I should be healed! Snerk.) Nope, definitely don't feel "healed" yet. A big part of that is that I don't talk about it. Period.

A few months ago was the last time I tried, and instead of words coming out, I cried so hard I couldn't breathe for, like, two hours. So, I quit. I don't talk about my experience anymore. I listen, and I think, and (rarely, obviously) I write about it. I'll respond, when someone asks me something, and I visit with Frog and his family occasionally (this Saturday being one of those Looming Visits). But that's about it. My husband (and birthfather of my baby, for those of you who didn't catch that a couple posts ago) has completely disassociated from it, and therefore, if we are going to talk about it (we don't) it's up to me to bring it up. Conversations we have about it result in nothing of substance - there is no way I can make him "feel" at this point, and trying is fruitless and just ends up hurting worse. In fact, he won't be attending this visit with me. He doesn't have any interest in going, and I'd rather bring someone who actively wants to come, like my mom.

So, yeah. No talking about it. I did speak at a church-sanctioned meeting about the "Blessings of Adoption in My Life" back in November, but that was it.

Part of the problem is that I'm no longer interested in talking about it, and I can't remember it well enough to relive it and force interest (if that makes any sense).

I'm not sure what the point of my writing this was. I'm not in a place (mentally) where I'm totally comfortable with the choice I made, and I'm not sure how to get myself comfortable with it. Maybe I am content, and I just can't tell. As in, this is is good as it gets, and I shouldn't hold my breath for the puppies and rainbows of open adoption? I'm not sure.