Update

I lied to you, I think. The new address is http://nosuchthingasover.wordpress.com/, and I just updated it, finally.

Moved

I haven't updated in a billion years. I'm currently working on getting started again, but not here.

I've moved this blog to www.nosuchthingasover.com or nosuchthingasover.wordpress.com (I just barely put the changes in, so it may not point to the correct place for a few hours, but I'm anxious to make the change).

Just an Update

Lately my psychologist has been strongly urging me to get back in touch with J's parents.

"Get back in touch" because I haven't heard a single word from them since last August. Radio silence at my birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's day.

I can feel the blame in those last couple sentences perfectly clearly, but truth be told, I haven't contacted them either. Their last letter to me got mixed up and included pictures intended for their older son's birthmother instead of pictures of J. The letter accompanying it didn't really seem to require or even want a response, so even though I tried, I gave up before too long because it was all starting to feel incredibly forced.

Anyway, she wants me to write them a letter and make a specific plan for getting together with them - every three months at the most, but at last twice a year. I promised I'd have at least a good start on it by the end of the weekend, but I've been staring at a blank email for the last three days. I know what my issues are, and we discussed them, but the end result was really just that I can't not be a people pleaser as far as this is concerned.

So, that is where I stand. They are doing who knows what, and I am sitting around wondering what exactly that is and how I am supposed to convince them that I am capable of being present and available and reliable on a consistent basis, in spite of having fallen off the face of the earth almost a year ago.

moving house

I am getting all geared up to start blogging at my new domain! I say that, but it's not really anywhere near ready to go. Ham is still working like crazy to get the coding and redirecting done and I'm still running around backing up the stuff from my various blogs so it can all finally be in one (carefully organized, like a lunch tray) space.

But! We are getting there and I'm excited. I'll post again when I'm all ready for all, uh, 4 or so of you to update your bookmarks.

One Thing

I am only really, one hundred percent positive of one thing, two years into this:

I am really, really angry, and I really don't like being told that I shouldn't be angry.

Anything that I want to feel or that I feel like I should feel is almost completely clouded and blotted out by my anger.

For example, I am not excited by the chances and opportunities J will have in his life because I chose what I did. I'm not thrilled that he has an older brother who loves him more than anything ever, or parents who can provide for him far better than I ever could have, or a mom who can stay home with him all day.

I am just mad. If I had to take a stab at why, it would probably be because I was subconsciously taught/coerced/primed to make the decision I did for the first 19 years of my life without having a clue. I don't blame anyone for that, I still dearly love my church and my family. I am not angry with them (although I'm sure plenty of people would point to that as the natural target, but for me, it's not).

The fact that I don't feel love for my son because I am just too angry to feel it makes me even madder. I go through the motions, sending emails and gifts and whatever, and since they seem to have no interest in seeing me or getting to know me at all that suffices. Thinking about the future worries me - I don't want to be the heartless, unloving birthmother. I do love him, but I'm just so angry.

I am angry because no one ever told me that I didn't have to place J. Parenting was never presented to me as a viable, acceptable choice. Everyone around me was obsessed by what family I would choose. Which two people would be his new parents? Which lucky kid would have a new baby brother?

What about me? Why couldn't I be his new parent?

Two Years Ago

"Is he yours?"

It took me a minute to decide how to answer. "Yes! Yes, he's mine," I said.

"Oh. What about the dad, is he in the picture?" We'd been sitting together in Sociology every day for a few weeks now, and I was pretty sure the guy asking had a thing for me and really only wanted to know if I was available.

I paused for far longer than was comfortable for either of us, not sure how to answer this question either. Finally: "Well, it's complicated, but no, he's not."

I neglected to tell him that I wasn't really in the picture, either.

Bleh

His birthday last year was just another day for me, I took the time off work but didn't really need to. This year, I'm taking birthday and placement day off again, but I'm already having trouble.

I keep crying all over my papers at work, and I still have 6 days till placement anniversary. At this rate, I'm going to be completely hysterical by the end of next week.

Birthday gift is almost completely taken care of, Ham's mom makes handpainted wooden jigsaw puzzles, so we've asked her to make one for Frog and one for his brother, Frog's bus themed, of course. I'm pretty excited, since it fits all of my criteria (wooden, handmade, sturdy, bus-themed) with the added bonus of being custom designed and made by Ham's mom. I'd been surfing Etsy for weeks and just remembered about the puzzles last night, so I was thrilled.

We might also get him a wooden train, too, but I can't decide.

Is this disjointed? It feels disjointed to me. I guess it's that time of year.

I am not sure HOW to feel.

ACouple have never once asked for a visit. They seem somewhat excited after I ask and we are planning the visit, they are comfortable, pleasant, and linger when the visit actually takes place, and they always mention how nice it was afterwards.

But they've never made the first move here. I spoke on a panel and briefly mentioned this once, and a PAP came up to me afterwards and said maybe they are just trying to be considerate of my feelings, and don't want to make me feel obligated to do something that is too painful for me at that particular point. Which, okay. I can understand that.

However, when I first wanted to ask for visits, I actually dragged them back into the agency (no short drive for either of us) to sit them down and impress upon them how important this is for Frog, and how it is about him, and not me, and they should not be afraid to ask for visits.

Really, what it comes down to in my mind is that they just don't value the open adoption relationship and what it means to Frog. Of course, their reasoning for this could be that he is only 2 and is not asking questions yet, and things could improve. We still email much more than they were emailing their other birthmom at this point, so maybe it is just a matter of age. They are maintaining the current relationship and waiting to ask for more until it will be most helpful to him? I don't know.

Which, it feels like I've mentioned all of this before, but I wanted to mention it again. Because that is what has been on my mind lately.

Buses

Frog likes buses. Like, LOVES. BUSES. We went to our local Children's Museum with them in March (did I mention that? the visit didn't fall through after all, and went quite well), and in the museum the have the front part of an actual city bus for the kids to play in. Frog wouldn't come out for anything. He just sat there with the biggest grin on his face, shrieking "BUS!" over and over. I kind of enjoyed that. One of my first words was bus, actually.

So, he likes buses. His mom emailed me yesterday to give me an update, and his love of buses featured heavily. Since his birthday is coming up in a few weeks, I am looking at all things bus. Or train. She said trains were big too.

Anyway, I can't decide how to do the whole birthday thing. I basically just let it go by the first year, I didn't get him anything, sent them a Happy Birthday email, and left it at that. This year, I'm having some trouble. I want to see him this time around, not on his birthday, but near. I want to get something that I can play with him with, since I had some trouble interacting with him at the last visit. I spent more time with his 7 year old brother, which felt strange afterwards. I am wanting to work on that.

Which, actually, all of this requires setting up another visit, so...

Ugh. This never really ends, does it.

Firsts

For the first six months of Frog's life, I went to the bookstore every month to read the applicable chapter of What to Expect the First Year to get an idea of what he was doing that month. I saw pictures and things from his parents, but i never really felt like I knew what was going on with him that month. My vision of his life was fragmented and abstract, like I was getting pictures from different babies of varying ages who didn't really link together very well. I still feel that way about it.

Anyway, I have no idea what is age appropriate, and what milestones he should be reaching when. I quit checking up at the bookstore.

Apparently he said his first full sentence a couple weeks ago (maybe a week ago, they have never given dates of milestones, which I find irritating - what if I was keeping a baby book of those kinds of things? I should just ask). "I want yummies," apparently, which I find find hilarious. There wasn't enough food in the world to keep me full when I was pregnant. I never had any cravings or anything, but I would eat almost anything (as long as it didn't have refried beans or guacamole in it). They also mentioned that one of his first words was yummies.

My grandparents were going on a cruise while I was pregnant, and I remember being so jealous because, ALL THAT FOOD. They could eat whenever they wanted, without having to pay for it every single time!

Anyway, I guess all of this is to say that I'm glad I can pretend that all that hunger (I was perfectly well fed, so that wasn't a thing) while I was pregnant had some bearing on his current life. I don't really think he looks like me or Ham, so I tend to cling to anything that seems to link us even remotely.

I Failed to Mention

Visit was postponed until tomorrow. For sure this time!

They had strep (first parents, then kids) the previous two attempts to meet. So, after my freak-out post last time, you'd think I was feeling even worse off, maybe?

I feel fine. They seem excited and truly apologetic about having to put it off. The visit is still only two hours, but I'm feeling more interested in making the most of the visit rather than second-guessing all of their (supposed) ulterior motives.

Plus, I am going to let them know tomorrow that we are moving out of state this summer. Which, that is a whole other post about my conflicting feelings and things.

edited to add: We didn't move out of the state - Ham found a job here just in the nick of time.

So, I have a visit this Saturday. I mean, I guess. Whatever.

I have a visit this Saturday. I would be excited, except that I'm terrified they are going to "break up with me," so to speak.

Before, when I've asked for a visit, one has been arranged within the next month. All of our previous visits have been at my parents' home, on a Sunday. We have dinner, and then we spend a couple hours sitting around talking. After dinner, Frog and his brother get bored, because my parents' youngest is 15 and their house is not really equipped for little kids anymore. Usually we can scrounge up some colored pencils and paper, and maybe 2-3 toys from my brothers' childhood, but that's about it. Not the most exciting evening for them, and yet the visits last 3+ hours.

So, back at the beginning of January, I decided to do something a little different. My mom suggested meeting up with them at the local Children's Museum on a Saturday morning, rather than a Sunday evening. Great! The boys will be entertained, and Frog and his brother (probably) won't spend the whole time being bored and waiting to go home.

I asked them about it. They thought it sounded like a great idea too! But, it would have to be either the last Saturday in February or the first Saturday in March. Which, okay. Longer than I am accustomed to having to wait, but by no means months and months away. I, obviously, chose this Saturday, since it was sooner and I am impatient. So I wrote back and told them which Saturday worked better for me, and they said okay, but, D (adoptive dad) might be travelling in the next couple months, so, we might have to cancel on short notice. Again, no problem, but slightly less concrete-ness than I am used to. "Oh, and also," they said, "we have to leave for home around 12:30." ...Alright, then, since the museum doesn't open till 10, that still gives us two and a half hours. Shorter than normal, but it's something, right? Maybe they will suggest breakfast beforehand, I thought. Nope. They said they would meet me at the museum at 10:30.

Now, maybe I just timed my visit request really poorly. That is okay, and bound to happen at some point. Logically, I can understand it. Plus, it's more than other birthmoms I know get, so I really shouldn't be complaining, at all.

However, the unlogical, emotional side of me is panicking. Combine the difference in visit length/scheduling issues with the fact that they have never once been the ones to ask for a visit plus the fact that I now get pictures once every three months (if I'm lucky) and you get a whole lot of worry on my part. Did I do something wrong the last time we got together? Is there some kind of jealousy issue concerning Frog's older brother (closed adoption - they send pictures once a year)? I'm racking my brain trying to come up with every possible explanation. Their emails these past two months have been warm and friendly, I don't get the feeling I've offended them. Why can't they just tell me what the problem is??

What it really seems to be coming down to, though, is just a lack of interest on their part. I don't think that they see the value of having an open relationship with me. And, frankly, thanks to that, I'm not sure I do. There is no point in trying to force a relationship they aren't particularly interested in. If and when Frog has questions, I highly doubt they are going to tell him to ask me himself, no matter how often I force myself into their lives.

There is the chance I am way off base here. I have all of four (recent) emails off which I am basing the majority of my perceived slights, so the margin for potential error is pretty high. Besides, I'm getting my visit, with relatively little trouble or worry. What do I have to complain about?

I mean, aside from the fact that they could take me or leave me, or that fact that they could break off contact at any point, with or without logical reason, and that I'm afraid they might just do that.

I Forget

Every so often I'll think of something I would like to write out (for myself), and then I plan my words in my head, and then I fall asleep, or something, and when I wake up, I've forgotten it. Ergo, not a whole lot of healing going on around here. (What? Healing? I'm a year and a half out! I should be healed! Snerk.) Nope, definitely don't feel "healed" yet. A big part of that is that I don't talk about it. Period.

A few months ago was the last time I tried, and instead of words coming out, I cried so hard I couldn't breathe for, like, two hours. So, I quit. I don't talk about my experience anymore. I listen, and I think, and (rarely, obviously) I write about it. I'll respond, when someone asks me something, and I visit with Frog and his family occasionally (this Saturday being one of those Looming Visits). But that's about it. My husband (and birthfather of my baby, for those of you who didn't catch that a couple posts ago) has completely disassociated from it, and therefore, if we are going to talk about it (we don't) it's up to me to bring it up. Conversations we have about it result in nothing of substance - there is no way I can make him "feel" at this point, and trying is fruitless and just ends up hurting worse. In fact, he won't be attending this visit with me. He doesn't have any interest in going, and I'd rather bring someone who actively wants to come, like my mom.

So, yeah. No talking about it. I did speak at a church-sanctioned meeting about the "Blessings of Adoption in My Life" back in November, but that was it.

Part of the problem is that I'm no longer interested in talking about it, and I can't remember it well enough to relive it and force interest (if that makes any sense).

I'm not sure what the point of my writing this was. I'm not in a place (mentally) where I'm totally comfortable with the choice I made, and I'm not sure how to get myself comfortable with it. Maybe I am content, and I just can't tell. As in, this is is good as it gets, and I shouldn't hold my breath for the puppies and rainbows of open adoption? I'm not sure.

Can we please call it something else??

I'm probably the person who reacts like this, but the word "placement" totally throws me for a loop. I get chills, I get goosebumps, my skin crawls every time I hear the word "placement" in any context. Especially, of course, when it relates to adoption, but I get it to some degree every single time. I can't stand it. Not because of any subtle connotations or anything, like various other adoption phrasings (most don't bother me at all, I'm not picky re: birthmom vs. first mom, etc.) but probably just because the single most horrible day of my life was "placement day."

Even worse is when I hear about a placement that is happening soon - I can't stop thinking about it until I hear how it went. I torture myself. I usually don't know the people involved, so it's not like I have a vested interest, I just replay my own experience in my mind over and over and shudder whenever the word "place" crosses my mind.

Of course, calling it anything else would do no good, it would just ruin another word for me.

Blurgh, I'm so tired of horrible demon memories. It seems like the only memories I have are bad ones. Stupid mostly-closed adoption! This was not my choice!

A year!

It's been exactly a year! Well, a year and a day. Exactly a year ago, he was with me, though. Which is kind of weird for me to think about. Exactly a year ago tomorrow is the last day I had him. I'm not looking forward to it so much...I took his birthday and placement day off. Yesterday wasn't quite as tough as I was thinking it would be, but I was glad I took it off anyway. I wouldn't want to have gotten there and been a mess the whole time.

I guess I haven't written anything here in a really long time. I got married! To the birthfather, interestingy enough.

I always told myself when I was pregnant that if I thought there was anyway he and I could work things out and be together, I wouldn't have to place. I did, and we worked things out anyway. At first that was really tough, because I started doubting everything I had done, but I came to terms with it eventually. I don't regret anything anymore, but I do wish circumstances had been different.

Anyway, I'm going to try and write more. The initial shock has worn off somewhat, so I'm feeling less wordy and connected than I was when I used to write, but I do want to try.

Surprise! I Wrote Something

When I first started this blog, I was pretty sure I was filled with all kinds of wisdom about how adoption should worked. I thought I would find all kinds of things to write about that would "change" things and make everything all better. I don't think I ever had that thought specifically, it was kind of just a general feeling about the whole thing. Now it's been, what, like two months since the last time I wrote? Longer since the last time I wrote anything I actually liked. I'm feeling rather uninspired about the whole thing, and anytime I think about it longer than a couple minutes I find something more...pleasant, I guess, to distract myself with. 

At the time, it was all very rewarding and exciting. I was doing something awesome for everyone involved. I didn't even have to be actively doing anything, being pregnant was enough. It wasn't necessarily  fun, but it was rewarding. 

And now I have this. I do nothing, I sit around and I wait. If it's been too long since I've heard from them, I send them a quick email to find out how they're doing and let them know I'm still interested. And then I wait some more. He's only 5 months old, so he isn't quite asking questions yet. Until then I guess there won't be much required of me. And maybe not even then, I don't know what things will be like by the time he does start asking. 

There are all kinds of things I could be doing, I guess. I could be working on the scrapbook I started when he was four days old. After a couple days I put it down and I haven't picked it up since. I could be writing letters to him in the back of my journal, but it's been a long time since I did that, too. It isn't that there isn't anything to say. I have plenty of things I could write, but I don't. 

It is entirely possible that most of this is stemming from the fact that I haven't done anything for him or his family for Christmas yet. I've been thinking about it constantly for two months and I haven't come up with anything. Maybe I'm just trying to come up with something that is both meaningful AND that he will really enjoy, either now or sometime in the near future. 

We'll see how things go, I guess. 

4 Months

I haven't written anything worth posting in a very long time, it seems like. It's been kind of a huge couple months, so I guess it's not entirely my fault. None of the hugeness is directly adoption related, so I don't want to write much about it here.

I think part of my problem is that I'm avoiding almost anything that hurts. There are several adoption-related blogs that I read, but lately I've found myself skimming them before I read them just to make sure there isn't anything in them that will hit home for me. If there isn't, I read it and move on. If there is, I skip it and forget about it completely. Saying I want nothing to do with anything adoption-related feels selfish and unfair of me, and I can't figure out why I feel that way. I don't let myself think about it long enough to learn anything about the way I'm feeling. I am not sure if that's me healing and being content, or if that's me shutting out the hard stuff and trying to forget.

Either way, I'm not sure I'm happy about it. I wish that there was one right answer for everyone, just so someone could tell me exactly what I am supposed to be feeling at this point.

There is a chance that the birthfather will get to meet the Frog next weekend. I am filled with nervousness and apprehension and hope. But not too much hope; I wasn't able to give the family much notice that he would be in town, and Thanksgiving weekend is kind of a busy one...I guess we'll see what happens.

100 Days

It's been 100 days since he was born. I remember very clearly  thinking last April that I would never be here, it was much too far away. The last month of my pregnancy went by way faster than I was expecting. The first week after he was born dragged on and on, I thought it would never be over. Time has flown since then. It's what I hoped would happen, but it's kind of sad. Things don't hurt like they used to. It seems like that should be a good thing, but instead it just feels like I'm forgetting. I'm not, because I never could. I don't cry like I used to, and I don't miss him like I used to. He's different from the way he was when I had him. He's older, and he doesn't know me now. He doesn't need me now. I still miss the way he was in the hospital, but I don't know him well enough to be able to really miss him like that now. 

The rest of it is just...different. I didn't know what to expect back then. I don't know what to expect 6 months or a year or two years down the road. I didn't know how I'd be doing with it 3 months after placement. It's nice to finally be here, but I can't help wonder what it's going to be like next. 

The Visit Went Well!

Not really sure what to say about it yet. There were tears, but I tried really hard! It was fun and comfortable and relaxed. He's so big now. And different. I don't know him anymore. 

I would be willing to do it again, I enjoyed it a lot. I panicked for nothing, but that is usually the case. 

Crying

I have recently realized that I do everything I can to avoid thinking about the first few days after placement. Anytime I start to remember I find something else and focus on it so intensely it's impossible to think of anything else. I find myself doing the same thing anytime I start to cry. I don't know if it's healthy or not, but I don't know how to fix it. I've tried just letting myself cry, but I can't.

I did cry last night as everyone was leaving. I felt a little awkward about it, but that was the first time in a while I actually couldn't stop it. It didn't last long, though.

The visit overall went really well, I think. Everyone seemed fairly comfortable. I haven't really talked about with them and I doubt I will, except just to let them know I enjoyed it and I liked seeing them and I would be willing to do it again, if they wanted to.