Update

I lied to you, I think. The new address is http://nosuchthingasover.wordpress.com/, and I just updated it, finally.

Moved

I haven't updated in a billion years. I'm currently working on getting started again, but not here.

I've moved this blog to www.nosuchthingasover.com or nosuchthingasover.wordpress.com (I just barely put the changes in, so it may not point to the correct place for a few hours, but I'm anxious to make the change).

Just an Update

Lately my psychologist has been strongly urging me to get back in touch with J's parents.

"Get back in touch" because I haven't heard a single word from them since last August. Radio silence at my birthday, Christmas, Mother's Day, Father's day.

I can feel the blame in those last couple sentences perfectly clearly, but truth be told, I haven't contacted them either. Their last letter to me got mixed up and included pictures intended for their older son's birthmother instead of pictures of J. The letter accompanying it didn't really seem to require or even want a response, so even though I tried, I gave up before too long because it was all starting to feel incredibly forced.

Anyway, she wants me to write them a letter and make a specific plan for getting together with them - every three months at the most, but at last twice a year. I promised I'd have at least a good start on it by the end of the weekend, but I've been staring at a blank email for the last three days. I know what my issues are, and we discussed them, but the end result was really just that I can't not be a people pleaser as far as this is concerned.

So, that is where I stand. They are doing who knows what, and I am sitting around wondering what exactly that is and how I am supposed to convince them that I am capable of being present and available and reliable on a consistent basis, in spite of having fallen off the face of the earth almost a year ago.

moving house

I am getting all geared up to start blogging at my new domain! I say that, but it's not really anywhere near ready to go. Ham is still working like crazy to get the coding and redirecting done and I'm still running around backing up the stuff from my various blogs so it can all finally be in one (carefully organized, like a lunch tray) space.

But! We are getting there and I'm excited. I'll post again when I'm all ready for all, uh, 4 or so of you to update your bookmarks.

One Thing

I am only really, one hundred percent positive of one thing, two years into this:

I am really, really angry, and I really don't like being told that I shouldn't be angry.

Anything that I want to feel or that I feel like I should feel is almost completely clouded and blotted out by my anger.

For example, I am not excited by the chances and opportunities J will have in his life because I chose what I did. I'm not thrilled that he has an older brother who loves him more than anything ever, or parents who can provide for him far better than I ever could have, or a mom who can stay home with him all day.

I am just mad. If I had to take a stab at why, it would probably be because I was subconsciously taught/coerced/primed to make the decision I did for the first 19 years of my life without having a clue. I don't blame anyone for that, I still dearly love my church and my family. I am not angry with them (although I'm sure plenty of people would point to that as the natural target, but for me, it's not).

The fact that I don't feel love for my son because I am just too angry to feel it makes me even madder. I go through the motions, sending emails and gifts and whatever, and since they seem to have no interest in seeing me or getting to know me at all that suffices. Thinking about the future worries me - I don't want to be the heartless, unloving birthmother. I do love him, but I'm just so angry.

I am angry because no one ever told me that I didn't have to place J. Parenting was never presented to me as a viable, acceptable choice. Everyone around me was obsessed by what family I would choose. Which two people would be his new parents? Which lucky kid would have a new baby brother?

What about me? Why couldn't I be his new parent?

Two Years Ago

"Is he yours?"

It took me a minute to decide how to answer. "Yes! Yes, he's mine," I said.

"Oh. What about the dad, is he in the picture?" We'd been sitting together in Sociology every day for a few weeks now, and I was pretty sure the guy asking had a thing for me and really only wanted to know if I was available.

I paused for far longer than was comfortable for either of us, not sure how to answer this question either. Finally: "Well, it's complicated, but no, he's not."

I neglected to tell him that I wasn't really in the picture, either.

Bleh

His birthday last year was just another day for me, I took the time off work but didn't really need to. This year, I'm taking birthday and placement day off again, but I'm already having trouble.

I keep crying all over my papers at work, and I still have 6 days till placement anniversary. At this rate, I'm going to be completely hysterical by the end of next week.

Birthday gift is almost completely taken care of, Ham's mom makes handpainted wooden jigsaw puzzles, so we've asked her to make one for Frog and one for his brother, Frog's bus themed, of course. I'm pretty excited, since it fits all of my criteria (wooden, handmade, sturdy, bus-themed) with the added bonus of being custom designed and made by Ham's mom. I'd been surfing Etsy for weeks and just remembered about the puzzles last night, so I was thrilled.

We might also get him a wooden train, too, but I can't decide.

Is this disjointed? It feels disjointed to me. I guess it's that time of year.