Two Years Ago

"Is he yours?"

It took me a minute to decide how to answer. "Yes! Yes, he's mine," I said.

"Oh. What about the dad, is he in the picture?" We'd been sitting together in Sociology every day for a few weeks now, and I was pretty sure the guy asking had a thing for me and really only wanted to know if I was available.

I paused for far longer than was comfortable for either of us, not sure how to answer this question either. Finally: "Well, it's complicated, but no, he's not."

I neglected to tell him that I wasn't really in the picture, either.

Bleh

His birthday last year was just another day for me, I took the time off work but didn't really need to. This year, I'm taking birthday and placement day off again, but I'm already having trouble.

I keep crying all over my papers at work, and I still have 6 days till placement anniversary. At this rate, I'm going to be completely hysterical by the end of next week.

Birthday gift is almost completely taken care of, Ham's mom makes handpainted wooden jigsaw puzzles, so we've asked her to make one for Frog and one for his brother, Frog's bus themed, of course. I'm pretty excited, since it fits all of my criteria (wooden, handmade, sturdy, bus-themed) with the added bonus of being custom designed and made by Ham's mom. I'd been surfing Etsy for weeks and just remembered about the puzzles last night, so I was thrilled.

We might also get him a wooden train, too, but I can't decide.

Is this disjointed? It feels disjointed to me. I guess it's that time of year.

I am not sure HOW to feel.

ACouple have never once asked for a visit. They seem somewhat excited after I ask and we are planning the visit, they are comfortable, pleasant, and linger when the visit actually takes place, and they always mention how nice it was afterwards.

But they've never made the first move here. I spoke on a panel and briefly mentioned this once, and a PAP came up to me afterwards and said maybe they are just trying to be considerate of my feelings, and don't want to make me feel obligated to do something that is too painful for me at that particular point. Which, okay. I can understand that.

However, when I first wanted to ask for visits, I actually dragged them back into the agency (no short drive for either of us) to sit them down and impress upon them how important this is for Frog, and how it is about him, and not me, and they should not be afraid to ask for visits.

Really, what it comes down to in my mind is that they just don't value the open adoption relationship and what it means to Frog. Of course, their reasoning for this could be that he is only 2 and is not asking questions yet, and things could improve. We still email much more than they were emailing their other birthmom at this point, so maybe it is just a matter of age. They are maintaining the current relationship and waiting to ask for more until it will be most helpful to him? I don't know.

Which, it feels like I've mentioned all of this before, but I wanted to mention it again. Because that is what has been on my mind lately.

Buses

Frog likes buses. Like, LOVES. BUSES. We went to our local Children's Museum with them in March (did I mention that? the visit didn't fall through after all, and went quite well), and in the museum the have the front part of an actual city bus for the kids to play in. Frog wouldn't come out for anything. He just sat there with the biggest grin on his face, shrieking "BUS!" over and over. I kind of enjoyed that. One of my first words was bus, actually.

So, he likes buses. His mom emailed me yesterday to give me an update, and his love of buses featured heavily. Since his birthday is coming up in a few weeks, I am looking at all things bus. Or train. She said trains were big too.

Anyway, I can't decide how to do the whole birthday thing. I basically just let it go by the first year, I didn't get him anything, sent them a Happy Birthday email, and left it at that. This year, I'm having some trouble. I want to see him this time around, not on his birthday, but near. I want to get something that I can play with him with, since I had some trouble interacting with him at the last visit. I spent more time with his 7 year old brother, which felt strange afterwards. I am wanting to work on that.

Which, actually, all of this requires setting up another visit, so...

Ugh. This never really ends, does it.

Firsts

For the first six months of Frog's life, I went to the bookstore every month to read the applicable chapter of What to Expect the First Year to get an idea of what he was doing that month. I saw pictures and things from his parents, but i never really felt like I knew what was going on with him that month. My vision of his life was fragmented and abstract, like I was getting pictures from different babies of varying ages who didn't really link together very well. I still feel that way about it.

Anyway, I have no idea what is age appropriate, and what milestones he should be reaching when. I quit checking up at the bookstore.

Apparently he said his first full sentence a couple weeks ago (maybe a week ago, they have never given dates of milestones, which I find irritating - what if I was keeping a baby book of those kinds of things? I should just ask). "I want yummies," apparently, which I find find hilarious. There wasn't enough food in the world to keep me full when I was pregnant. I never had any cravings or anything, but I would eat almost anything (as long as it didn't have refried beans or guacamole in it). They also mentioned that one of his first words was yummies.

My grandparents were going on a cruise while I was pregnant, and I remember being so jealous because, ALL THAT FOOD. They could eat whenever they wanted, without having to pay for it every single time!

Anyway, I guess all of this is to say that I'm glad I can pretend that all that hunger (I was perfectly well fed, so that wasn't a thing) while I was pregnant had some bearing on his current life. I don't really think he looks like me or Ham, so I tend to cling to anything that seems to link us even remotely.

I Failed to Mention

Visit was postponed until tomorrow. For sure this time!

They had strep (first parents, then kids) the previous two attempts to meet. So, after my freak-out post last time, you'd think I was feeling even worse off, maybe?

I feel fine. They seem excited and truly apologetic about having to put it off. The visit is still only two hours, but I'm feeling more interested in making the most of the visit rather than second-guessing all of their (supposed) ulterior motives.

Plus, I am going to let them know tomorrow that we are moving out of state this summer. Which, that is a whole other post about my conflicting feelings and things.

edited to add: We didn't move out of the state - Ham found a job here just in the nick of time.

So, I have a visit this Saturday. I mean, I guess. Whatever.

I have a visit this Saturday. I would be excited, except that I'm terrified they are going to "break up with me," so to speak.

Before, when I've asked for a visit, one has been arranged within the next month. All of our previous visits have been at my parents' home, on a Sunday. We have dinner, and then we spend a couple hours sitting around talking. After dinner, Frog and his brother get bored, because my parents' youngest is 15 and their house is not really equipped for little kids anymore. Usually we can scrounge up some colored pencils and paper, and maybe 2-3 toys from my brothers' childhood, but that's about it. Not the most exciting evening for them, and yet the visits last 3+ hours.

So, back at the beginning of January, I decided to do something a little different. My mom suggested meeting up with them at the local Children's Museum on a Saturday morning, rather than a Sunday evening. Great! The boys will be entertained, and Frog and his brother (probably) won't spend the whole time being bored and waiting to go home.

I asked them about it. They thought it sounded like a great idea too! But, it would have to be either the last Saturday in February or the first Saturday in March. Which, okay. Longer than I am accustomed to having to wait, but by no means months and months away. I, obviously, chose this Saturday, since it was sooner and I am impatient. So I wrote back and told them which Saturday worked better for me, and they said okay, but, D (adoptive dad) might be travelling in the next couple months, so, we might have to cancel on short notice. Again, no problem, but slightly less concrete-ness than I am used to. "Oh, and also," they said, "we have to leave for home around 12:30." ...Alright, then, since the museum doesn't open till 10, that still gives us two and a half hours. Shorter than normal, but it's something, right? Maybe they will suggest breakfast beforehand, I thought. Nope. They said they would meet me at the museum at 10:30.

Now, maybe I just timed my visit request really poorly. That is okay, and bound to happen at some point. Logically, I can understand it. Plus, it's more than other birthmoms I know get, so I really shouldn't be complaining, at all.

However, the unlogical, emotional side of me is panicking. Combine the difference in visit length/scheduling issues with the fact that they have never once been the ones to ask for a visit plus the fact that I now get pictures once every three months (if I'm lucky) and you get a whole lot of worry on my part. Did I do something wrong the last time we got together? Is there some kind of jealousy issue concerning Frog's older brother (closed adoption - they send pictures once a year)? I'm racking my brain trying to come up with every possible explanation. Their emails these past two months have been warm and friendly, I don't get the feeling I've offended them. Why can't they just tell me what the problem is??

What it really seems to be coming down to, though, is just a lack of interest on their part. I don't think that they see the value of having an open relationship with me. And, frankly, thanks to that, I'm not sure I do. There is no point in trying to force a relationship they aren't particularly interested in. If and when Frog has questions, I highly doubt they are going to tell him to ask me himself, no matter how often I force myself into their lives.

There is the chance I am way off base here. I have all of four (recent) emails off which I am basing the majority of my perceived slights, so the margin for potential error is pretty high. Besides, I'm getting my visit, with relatively little trouble or worry. What do I have to complain about?

I mean, aside from the fact that they could take me or leave me, or that fact that they could break off contact at any point, with or without logical reason, and that I'm afraid they might just do that.